Worst Promotion EVER November 30, 2008

So I’m at a recent trip to Wal-Mart and some lovely 19 year old lady in a lab coat approached me.  This doctor and/or scientist offered me a free sample of shampoo and conditioner…which she obviously invented with her team of scientists/doctors…and I, OBVIOUSLY, was eager to partake….who doesn’t love a free sample??? 

19 year old hot lady doctor/scientist: Yes – it’s our new “mystery shampoo and conditioner”

me: ohhh…fancy

her: yes! It is endorsed by Stacy from “What Not To Wear”!  See how it is in the black box with the big question mark on it!???!!!! (yeah, she spoke with all of those question marks and exclamation points) Weeeeelllllll (it was a teaser) – you just come back to Wal-Mart next Saturday and we reveal the actual brand!

me: uhhh…huh?  You want me to take this home and use it then drive back to Wal-Mart, on a Saturday, so you can tell me what it is?

her: Yeah!  Isn’t it EXCITING?!!!??

me (internal dialogue only as to not offend her): geez, they rush these kids through medical school and into the world of science so fast that they have no common sense.  (external dialogue): yeah! most excellent!

Here’s the thing…no one likes to go to Wal-Mart.  We go because we have to…because it is cheap.  Because it is the only place on the planet where we can purchase a television, a light bulb, a box tampons, a fuse for our car, a 20 pack of chicken breasts, hand cream, a clock for the bathroom, a hibiscus, get a haircut and have our oil changed.  Finding a parking spot on a Saturday afternoon requires a prescription for xanax, 30 minutes of meditation and a firm belief in a higher power.  Navigating the actual inside schematics is something you can only do if you have mastered Frogger.  You have to have DCFS on speed-dial. 

The point is – NO ONE WOULD DO THIS FOR NO REASON.  Unless this shampoo makes my hair look like Julia Robert’s hair in “Pretty Woman” within this 7 day time frame, my ass is NOT coming back here for The Big Reveal.  And you can SURE as hell bet your lab-coat-wearing-19-year-old-tight-ass I’m not waiting in a Saturday Wal-Mart line for a bottle of damn shampoo!  Even in the self-checkout that is a time investment no person should make…let’s face it, you know your ass is going to get behind some 97 year old lady trying to figure out how to scan 12 bananas!  Why…why…WHY would this “mystery shampoo” company not just say “next Saturday you can click on our website and you’ll be able to see the surprise brand of our shampoo!” and then on that day they can update the link?!  I know, I’m a marketing genius….so on Saturday we can all get the surprise – OH MY GOD, that fantastic shampoo is actually Wal-Mart’s own brand: parkinfuckinsuxalot!!!

An attempt to explain Twitter November 28, 2008

My love for Twitter knows no bounds.  The thing is…I can’t really explain what Twitter IS…I’m having trouble explaining it to those that haven’t heard of it before “well, it’s kind of like a social networking site, but less slutty than myspace and less annoying than facebook…and it’s kind of like blogging…but less time-consuming and you don’t have so much to think about…and it is kind of like texting…but…other people text you…but not really YOU…more just…random texts to the World Wide Web in general and if you think they are funny then those texts go to you.  Get it?”  ummmm…no.  “Ok – just trust me – IT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE.  ummmkay?!”  I wish everyone had been on Twitter during the election – again, unexplainable…ok…a “fairly” liberal bias (!)…but aside from that…there was instant and constant information.  Regular people, with regular jobs, doing more for getting information out than any news source.  It was amazing.

The thing is, if i just send people my twitter page - they can’t really see what Twitter is all about because…well…I’m only so entertaining and, let’s face it, Twitter is all about finding the Genius that is other tweeters.  So – now when people ask, I just send them the link to Favrd.

Flaws and all November 27, 2008

This should probably go on the “I made you a Mixed Tape” page…but I love it too much.  So it’s going here.  Deal with it.

Beyonce – Flaws and All:

Flaws And All lyrics

I’m a train wreck in the morning
I’m a bitch in the afternoon
Every now and then without warning
I can be really mean towards you
I’m a puzzle yes in deed
Ever complex in every way
And all the pieces aren’t even in the box
And yet, you see the picture clear as day.

I don’t know why you love me
And that’s why I love you
You catch me when I fall
Accept me flaws and all
And that’s why I love you

I neglect you when I’m working
When I need attention I tend to nag
I’m a host of imperfection
And you see past all that
I’m a peasant by some standards
But in your eyes I’m a queen
You see potential in all my flaws
and that’s exactly what I need.

I don’t know why you love me
And that’s why I love you
You catch me when I fall
Accept me flaws and all
and that’s why I love you

Blog Stats November 26, 2008

This post will be irrelevant to anyone who doesn’t really blog – that’s just fair warning…I’m just sayin’.

I have become a woman obsessed with my blog stats.  Seeing how many people click on my blog per day is FASCINATING.  I realize that most of these people are family and close friends yet I remain intrigued.  The stats page shows how many people clicked today and also where you clicked to from my page (if you clicked on a link in the “Presents!!!” page or if you clicked on Nat’s blog-www.fourformom.com) so I can see what else is gettin’ my biznez so to speak.  You can also see where they clicked FROM – so if someone found my page from Twitter or another persons blog link, it will show that.

I put up a link yesterday to something I totally ripped off of www.dooce.combecause it was a BEAUTIFUL necklace that I want and someone clicked on Dooce from here.  Now…this doesn’t mean much to my family who are not faithful bloggers – but to the one or two people who wander over here from Twitter…follow my logic here….what if the Dooce people (I don’t want to sound like a TOTAL TOOL and be like “heather or jon”) check THEIR stats and see that someone (ok…my one person…but whatever it could happen) clicked their site from here and they are like “hmmmm…what’s this frostinglicker thing all about” and they click my link and SEE ME?  I mean, even for a minute and even if they think I’m lame – that would totally be like John Lennon listening to your GARAGE BAND TAPE!

Office Weather November 24, 2008

I try to avoid writing about work – you know – because I enjoy being gainfully employed.  Not everyone really appreciates my sense of humor…”sarcastic bitch” doesn’t necessarily translate well.  But THIS is a story I just have to tell – plus, I think I’ve been there long enough that they will find this a more “oh – that funny amy mac” than a “we’re firing that bitch”.

Due to what I can only surmise as the economy crisis or going green, we installed a locked case over the office thermostat.  We have these also at the Restaurant that I work at (please note I refrain from specific names to protect the reeking of guilt).  We do this at Restaurant because the staff is running around in the weeds (restaurantese for ‘busy’) and sweating their asses off, so we crank the A/C and the customers freeze.  Of course, because it is a restaurant and therefore staffed with people proficient at armed burglary, car theft and, in one case, second degree murder with a knife, we are more than able to pop the plastic lock with ease and still fiddle with the temp.  Back to the point of my story…we have installed one of these thermostat safes in the office. Apparently we were all getting a little too nervy with the atmosphere.

The problem is, the boss is the gatekeeper.  The only person with the key.  The boss works primarily from home.  She comes in for about 2 or 3 hours a day for a meeting and then does the majority of work from her home office.  Which is great – she works hard – she’s a great leader (I’m not just writing that on the off chance she stumbles across this – I just don’t want to give the impression she only works two hours a day – seriously, she busts her ass).  The problem occurred on Friday.  Boss got a little chilly during the morning meeting – we all did…so, she took the magic key, and upped the heat.  Which was great.  Then she left….and it TURNED FUCKING 578 DEGREES.  I am not kidding.  By 3:45 we looked like a bunch of drunks playing strip poker.  The guy next to me was in his white t-shirt.  I was stripped down to a camisole that I had on and was rationalizing if I could take my pants off (“it’s not different than a bikini!”).  I was sweating in places I didn’t know I could sweat – I didn’t know my tiny ta-tas even HAD sweat glands! 

Then there was today.  Boss was warm.  So we had the A/C turned on during meeting.  I think you, smart readers, can see where this is going.  I think I have walking pneumonia.  We were all shivering.  We would have huddled together in warmth if we were not certain it would have violated some HR polices.  You could hear nothing but sniffling and teeth chattering.  Someone sneezed and I SWEAR TO CHRIST the spittle droplets turned into snow.

The thing is, why why why, Inter-Office Mother Nature, do you not leave an extra key?!?  Is there not ANYONE in mid-level management you trust enough to have logical judgement about the office climate? Please.  I’m begging.

I got nuttin November 23, 2008

Sorry team – I’m at a blank.  I’d love to wow you with my usual charm and wit, but I’m fresh out. 

I had one of those weekends where I shouldn’t have been allowed in public.  Honestly, I should have been caged and fed raw meat.  I was snarky and unruly and everyone I encountered got on my every last nerve.  They drove too fast, too slow – they were rude at the checkout or were too friendly and therefore their plesant banter made the line go too long.  They couldn’t win.  Vanilla frosting and beer helped.

Christmas Lights November 22, 2008

A girlfriend invited me to see a Christmas Light show with her, her husband and friends of theirs tonight.  It sounded like it would be beautiful – lights set to music (you’ve seen the e-mail forward) – plus drinks afterwards…but you know…it’s just not the same when you don’t have someone to drag, kicking and screaming, griping about the fact that they had to do something that forced them to leave their testicles at home.  That really makes the whole experience just more lovely all around.

Tivo November 21, 2008

Ok, let’s get a few things straight.  First of all…I don’t actually *HAVE* Tivo.  I have a DV-R…but I call it Tivo because that sounds way cooler.  Second, I don’t live for TV or anything – I mean, I love to read and I love to go to the beach, I love canoeing and playing Skeeball…but…well, no…I love TV.  The brilliance of “Big Fat Redneck Wedding” pales in comparison even to whatever palm trees, a light breeze and an 88 degree ocean can offer…

However, to avoid becoming a total recluse and muscle atrophy, some brilliant sexy brainiac invented Tivo.  Yes, you, dear reader, are above that.  You don’t need it.  You don’t watch tv.  You volunteer at the local shelter and spend your time catching up on current events and trying to find an alternate energy source.  Well la-de-fucking-da.  I watch “South Park” and I llllllooooovvvee it <insert me standing in my living room in a tank top and underwear with a beer in my hand doing a very unattractive dance while sticking out my tongue during that little ‘llllllooooovvvveee’ part right there>.

It is an escape.  It takes me away from reality – and frankly, I hate reality…which, I’m sure will be a post at some point in the future.  Reality and I have never been close.  Not that I don’t like my life.  I have a job.  I have a house.  I have a dog that I love.  I have a CRAZY family that I wouldn’t trade for the world…one that most people want to be a part of.  I have the best group of friends.  I’ve dated some great men <insert a significant pause here where everyone who knows me chuckles at the NOT great men I’ve also dated>.  I have a great life…but still…I don’t have the re-runs of the Huxtables!  I don’t have Joel McHale of “The Soup”!  I most certainly don’t have John Stewart (*sigh*). 

Tivo can record TWO SHOWS AT ONCE.  I can play it back whenever I want.  If I am feeling a little blue, I can curl up on the couch and watch TV. ALL. DAY. LONG. Honest to God, if Tivo were human, I would make sweet, sweet love to it.  I mean, if there was nothing good on TV of course.

Site Design November 21, 2008

I do not enjoy that my blog site seems so dark and depressing.  Don’t get me wrong…I like the site.  I think it has kind of a fun whimsy to it.  Sort of a Tim Burton-esque thing happening…but as it is I tend to not be the sunniest individual on the planet, so the blacks and grays are maybe a little too much??  Ok, yeah, I *PICKED* them – but you know, its a free blog, there are not a TON of options.  It wouldn’t be so bad, but what is up with that little tiny frown-y face up there at the top?!?  I don’t understand that portion of the design.  So…thoughts?  Should I change it?! Something a little more sunny and bright and perky and lovely????

Question November 20, 2008

You know how you go out with your ex-non-boyfriend’s best friend and have a few beers in you and then you start spilling your feelings about your non-boyfriend?  No?  Me neither.