7 Things January 12, 2009

So, I’ve been tagged in this 7 things…thing.  For those of you who are wandering to my blog from places that are NOT Twitter…it’s where some random stranger tells you that you have to detail 7 things that no one knows about you and  post them for the world to see.  Obviously, there will be no mention of my love of shoes here.

I’m not quite sure there is anything about me that NOBODY knows…I’m a purger, so my secrets are delved out to those I know and love and trust…and now, I’ll dump some on you.  Needless to say, they will be innocuous, the good ones will stay where they should be.

1.  I don’t remember my childhood.  Even some of my teenage years.  Those stories you have of birthday parties and school parties and homeroom shenanigans?  I have none of those.  I can vaguely recall some of my friends from that time, but really because they went to school with me my whole life – not because I remember any instances of them or interacting with them.  The best I have is recalling pictures that I have seen of that time.  I don’t feel like this is any kind of “scarred by any emotional incident”, I don’t feel dark and tortured (ummm, I have some ex-boyfriends that may disagree), I don’t have any issues with intimacy.  I think I just have a shit memory.  I continue to have a shitty memory to this day. 

2. I never snuck out as a kid. I think I only broke curfew once…by 15 minutes…and I woke my mom up when I got home to apologize.  Yeah…I was a dork.  I didn’t do everything by the book…I had sex before I should have…with one boy…and though I thought I was ready at the time…I wasn’t…and it was awful…but I continued and stayed with him on and off for 12 years…and  it remained awful the whole damn time.

3.  I have been in more than my share of fights. Not verbal – well – wait – I’ve been in WELL over my share of verbal fights – but number 3 is actually about the number of physical fights I’ve been in…before I turned 21, I had a not-so-silent rage.  Usually taken out my boyfriend (probably due to sexual frustration – see number 2), when I was young, it was on my brother…but I was a fighter.  I never fought unjustly (well, OK, maybe my brother) – I think I’ve blogged about this before…so this may not count but I don’t remember if I have (see number 1).  Anyway, if I see someone getting treated unfairly, I tend to get involved…and sometimes this leads to fighting…and sometimes it means physically.  I was once grabbed by a guy outside a movie plaza while his two friends laughed – I had walked around a corner and bumped into one of them and he grabbed my ass and yanked me into him while the others chuckled…so, naturally, I hauled back and punched him in the face – they ran off and I did what any young girl would do…I chased them.  I caught one and proceeded to politely explain how he and his friends should treat women in the future.  I’d like to think it was a good lesson that he took with him.

4. Often the feeling of water on my face makes me cry.  Showers or rain…I’m not sure why – and generally only when I’m really sad about something, but sometimes even when I don’t realize I’m sad.  I’ll get in the shower and as soon as I turn around and put my face in the shower I just cry.  I have no idea what triggers this.  For this reason, if I am going through a horrible break-up…I tend to not shower.  I know – AWESOMELY SEXY.  I have had to be dragged off the couch by roommates after a 4 day no-shower binge.  This could technically be another number, but whatever, I’m also a wallower.  I need to wallow to get all my ’sad’ out…so 4 days on the couch without showering while just crying into a pillow is close to heaven for me.  Not as in “this is a good time” but as in “it don’t get more cleanse-y than this”.   Oh, I also puke like a mother-fucker when I’m really upset.  Seriously, it DOES NOT GET HOTTER THAN ME PEOPLE.

5. I am petrified of driving home and my house being either on fire or burned to the ground.  I saw a building get hit by lightening when I was young (oddly enough, THIS I remember) and it caught on fire….I have spent my life being seized by the fear, when rounding the corner to my house, that it will not be standing there.  That it will have been burnt to the ground.  This fear has subsided some in the last 10 years or so, but living in Florida when the state is constantly on fire, has started to bring it back…It doesn’t surface often, but if I see ANY smoke in the distance, even if not in the direction of my house, I find myself speeding home and don’t realize until I pull in my driveway that I have been panicked the whole time.

6.  I can name every boy I’ve ever kissed.  There have not been many.  In order they are:  Dave, Jeff, Brian, Ryan, [redacted], Josh, Matt, Kurt, Kevin, Mark, Chris, Anthony, Kris, Dusty, [redacted], Keith.  Ok…I may have lied – I feel like I could have missed one…ummmm…if it was you, I apologize.  Also, I apologize for the [redacteds] – but some secrets I’m keeping.

7.  I think I could be a government assassin.  No, I don’t have any kind of “Alias”/Jennifer Garner fantasy or anything, I’ve actually never even shot a gun.  I don’t even have the desire to have a gun in my house, but I am convinced I have the heart and hand of a sharpshooter.  I also think I have the detachment and coldness of someone who could kill someone, but the moral turpitude that only do it if it was for a just reason.  I mean, I wouldn’t just kill someone for cash, but I could totally be a military sniper.  I’m sure of it. 

Ok, I can’t imagine what else you’d need to know about me.  I don’t think you even need to know that garbage – sorry it isn’t more exciting, but my life is fairly boring..and the stuff that isn’t boring is not fit for broadcast.  Sorry, team.

Ok, next up (sorry if you’ve already been tagged, but I can’t keep track of all of your social lives…It is hard enough to keep track of my busy social agenda…by that I mean: tivo). tag @fourformom (duh), @porto_rock, @mamitamojita, @porto_rock, @amassofhumanity, @bignerdscott, @secretsquirrel (who I don’t think follows me or even reads my @replies…but whatever).

Turns out, I’m Fuckin’ Psychic! January 3, 2009

So, I had a dream night before last–yeah, I know, I know – no one wants to hear about another persons dreams – but *trust me on this people*, this goes somewhere–so, the dream, I dreamt that I was with the first ex, Notorious PIG, and we were driving somewhere in Connecticut (not relevant, but the parking lot behind the old La Strada for those from up there) and he was driving my car all race car style and slid into a parking space but ended up hitting another car that was parked in the next spot and he tried to just DRIVE AWAY and I was all “you can’t just LEAVE!  You can’t just leave the scene of an accident! You’re such an asshole!  You have no values! You need to go give your name!”  so he had to go back and…whatever, dream continued…

 

BUT….cut to REAL LIFE – I’m at lunch with my good friend, one Miss Jenny – last name withheld but enjoyable to say -  yesterday and we are at walmart and waiting for a parking space and the lady is backing out of the spot and what does she do?  HITS THE PARKED VAN BEHIND HER! And then? DRIVES AWAY! 

 

My superpower?  Foreseeing non-dangerous car accidents that leave no damage but point out the ugliness of people’s nature. 

 

  

And *THIS* is what I’m looking for… January 3, 2009

Big sigh….

Here’s what I want.  Any takers?!

New Year’s Resolutions 2009 December 16, 2008

In which our heroine beings her battle with her arch-nemisis Will Power.

1. Figure out how to add contacts to Flickr

2. Figure out how to actually use Flickr

3. Actually take my camera out and take pictures

To be continued….(I will reach 100 by 12/31/08.  I will keep exactly none of them-as is my tradition.  Fuck W. Power and his evil ways.)

4. Figure out how to add Google Adsense to my blog so I can become a billionaire through blogging

5. Get a realistic grasp of both my blog stats and the revenue generation of Google Adsense

6. Watch all the episodes of Dexter

7. Clear out my favorites of all the old dead links and actually put stuff in folders

8.  Download all my 8-Tracks onto MP3…oh, I mean CD’s…but, same thing

9.  Figure out why the hell I’m getting “Rolling Stone” magazine, be sure I’m not getting billed for it and cancel it – thus doing my part to GO GREEN

10. Somehow, someway find a way to get my friends to stop sending me any type of chain/good luck/possible death and destruction if you do not forward e-mails

11. Paint my stupid, mother f-ing sunroom (which has been 1/2 painted for about 6 months now)

12. Get hardwood floors – PLEASE let me do this one!

*ok, 12 down, 88 to go

13.  Good call, Denny – Adding “woo the Moe’s guy”

14. Also, get myself knocked up

15. Become crafty at…something…and make millions off etsy.com…to supplement the blog income

16. Stop with the damn typos already!!!!!  (current event resolution that I will have no idea why I posted it later, but will still apply because I’m a damn idiot)

17. Resolve to do SOMETHING with the “oh this is interesting/handy/a website I’d like to visit” notes and/or magazine pages I have strewn about my house

18. Figure out how this f-ing linksys wireless thing that I bought two weeks ago works so I’m not still using the ethernet in 2010…but…since I have internet access and am lazy, I’ll just cut/paste this onto next year’s resolution list right now

19. Actually send birthday and Christmas cards…and send them ON TIME (pffffftttt…*snort*…no I won’t!)

20. Stop taking my shoes off in the doorway and leaving them there like a 5 year old and actually put them in my closet where they belong

21.  Go back to reading books and stop watching so much tv – yes, Amy, you can wean yourself from the DV-R

22.  Get the dog out more…which probably means spending the $500 to get him “dog whisperered” so he can be in a park near other dogs without going all crazy-Cujo on their asses…but…whatever – prolly worth it in the long run

23.  Even better – just get my yard fenced so I can play with the dog in the yard

24.  Maybe not buy so many shoes?????

25.  Find out why Tom Cruise did not talk with a German accent in this Valkyrie movie…was that guy American?  Is Scientology against fake accents?  Has TC’s ego finally gone THAT out of control that he feels he doesn’t need to go into character to sell the part????  It’s killing me!

OK – Quarter of the way there!  2009 – here I come – well on my way to become a better person. .. Ok, maybe knowing the answer to 25 isn’t going to make me a better person, but it will free up my brain from obsessing about it and I can spend that time doing good for the world – OH-

26.  Do good for the world.

sweet.

12/27/08 -well, let’s face reality, I’m not going to make it to 100 on this list…but we can mark that up to a failure of 2008 rather than a failure of 2009..right?

27.  Set lower goals.

28. Make less lists.

29.  Eat better (ha!  one less Twinkie every day and I’ll have accomplished this one!)

30.  Exercise more (I figure if I exercise even one day in 2009, this will knock this one out of the park)

31.  Take out kayak more

32. Be more responsible about sunscreen

33.  Take dog to beach more

34. Get dog ‘dog whisperered’ so he can possibly go to a dog park and become not so socially dysfunctional

35.  Surround myself with nicer people and less people I have to walk on eggshells around

36.  Do not be the person people have to walk on eggshells around

37.  Probably spend more time with my real friends than my imaginary ones from Twitter

38.  Maybe see a therapist about above…

39.  Did I put ween myself off Tivo on here already…if not…I need to

40.  Preferably do above so I can buy a Wii and spend all my extra time playing Rock Band!!!!!

41.  Get a life.

12/30/08 – seriously running out of time to hit 100 of thse

42.  figure out how to actually manuver this blog – especially now that I have a “real blog”…

43.  Stop liking guys who don’t want babies, who enjoy liquor more than sex and hangovers more than Saturday’s of functional activity

44.  Change blog name so family can’t read info like above

45. Probably get over the rejection of the last guy who was #43 *humph*

46.  Maybe buy less shoes

47.  maybe lie less about buying less shoes

48.  develop a cool hobby…you know, like macrame or something

49.  did I mention actually figuring out how a blog works? (PS – already ahead on this one, bought the domain name!  No idea what the hell to do next.  Lazy twitter:  what do I do next?  Oh…shit…wrong site.  I’m doing it wrong)

50.  Stop making big goals.  (I’ll start this one early and just end this stupid list now)

For Christmas…you’d expect less porn December 15, 2008

Tis the season of Christmas parties. Which is joyous…for those who enjoy that sort of thing.  I WANT to enjoy them…it’s just that…well…if you know me, you know my personality is more “splash of spontaneous fun with a heavy hand of sarcastic bitterness”…so decking the halls and jolliness tend to give me a rash…BUT I love my friends.  So, I spend Christmas parties with them and they laugh at my pain of being forced to participate in structured fun.

One of my most cheery and lovely friends, Lori, has an annual Christmas party that couldn’t be less Amy Mac.  The invitation is sent out in a cutesy rhyme.  There is a Chinese Gift Exchange.  There are planned games…don’t get me wrong, I LOVE games…but I love “hey, let’s do game night” with beer and Catchphrase…not “OK LADIES!!!  WHOOO!! EVERYONE PUT ON THEIR SANTA HATS!!!!  WHOOO!  READY FOR FUN!!!  WHOOO” Ouch…but I love that my friends love it and I can’t help buy laugh at Lori’s sheer joy of hosting the event. 

This year there were 8 different games (FUCKING EIGHT DIFFERENT GAMES).  And we started at 8:07, so we were 7 minutes late to start, as you can imagine, this was very upsetting.  Since these were restaurant people, most of the girls (all chicks) were 25 or under.  This made the first game rather tricky…Lori, the hostess, is…ahem…NOT under 25…and the game was “guess who I am” where we were separated into teams and one person had a Santa hat on with a name on it and we had to give clues as to the identity…the problem presented itself when the names she chose were BETSY ROSS, CHER…not exactly the same demographic! 

The game I really want to address is the “make yourself a snowman” game.  The first things that were brought out for this game were latex gloves and Vaseline.  I think you can see the downward spiral of this already.  Two large mixing bowls were filled with cotton balls and the instructions were to smear the Vaseline all over your face, stick it in the bowl of cotton balls and whomever of the team of four got the most cotton balls was declared the winner.  None of the 30+ crowd was about to smear Vaseline on our faces…after you hit our age, the idea of suffering a pre-teen breakout for bragging rights at a Holiday Party loses its appeal.  This did not go over so well…so, to fight the “party pooper” image….it was proposed that a member of our team (who shall remain nameless) would rather “smear that on my ass and stick that in a bowl than put it on my face”.  Another member of the team said “and I’d do my boobs first”.  Well…let’s just say I’m sure there are pictures somewhere on the internet and I’d rather not know where. 

Another game involved phallic plungers and rolls of toilet paper – but honestly, I’m trying to wipe all the fun right out of my mind.  It’s too much to think about and my insurance doesn’t cover PTSD. 

 

I’d like to make a special note to make sure Lori knows how much I love her and appreciate her effort – her house is decorated (I mean…FUCKING DECORATED) and she gives special gifts to everyone with attached notes…She cooks so much food….Martha Stewart would be embarrassed by her inadequacy if she knew Lori.  I love her and I love the party…even though the whole experience makes me itch like I’m wearing pajamas made of ants.

Crockpot Cooking and Other Baggage… December 8, 2008

So, I can’t cook in a crockpot.  I mean…I CAN.  I have made a few good dishes. Well, one – but it was delicious.  The problem is, I have some kind of insane paranoia of spontaneous crockpot combustion.  Most people put a delightful and delicious mix of edibles in the crockpot, head to work for the day and when they come home – bing/bang/boom – DINNER!  I, on the other hand, cannot conceive of this.  The whole idea makes me ill.  I think it is because I saw a building get hit by lightening and catch on fire when I was young…but…regardless…I can’t leave something COOKING all day long!  That’s crazy!  You may as well just turn on a burner and put a dishtowel on top of it!  My one fabulous crockpot dinner I cooked overnight when I slept…because apparently if my house catches on fire it would be better if *I WERE IN IT*.  The problem with this is that my nose, first thing in the morning, is that of a pregnant bloodhound.  The amount of gagging that ensued upon my awakening was God-awful.  I can smell the perfume of the neighbor, so needless to say, the scent of salsa, chicken, beans and corn was…overpowering.  I’m trying to conquer my fear, but these things take time.

Other things I cannot do: sleep with socks on, crawl under a bed or desk, leave my house without checking to be sure the front door is locked…by turning the handle three times and order anything off a restaurant menu without modifying it in some way shape or form.

I’m not on any drugs…but I should be.

Oh…and I overuse both hyphens and periods…or would they be ellipses?  I don’t know…

Establishing Dating Standards December 3, 2008

So – awhile ago, my Bestie, Natalie (some of you know her as @fourformom), posted on her blog a “Dating Game” where potential beaus for me could fill out a questionnaire and then from the MASS of men who responded, we would pick Mr. Perfect (or…Mr. will due for baby-making and maybe old-age rocking chair sitting).  Here’s the link if you’d like to look at it: http://www.fourformom.com/2008/10/dating-game.html

Without getting into TOO much detail, let’s just say I’m still single.  That is not actually the point of this post.  The point of this post is the sheer state of desperation in which my friends are in to find me a mate.  For example – question 2 was “are you a raging alcoholic” – my friend, Jen, gleefully exclaimed upon reading one response “Oh!  Oh! OH!  he’s not an alcoholic!!!  He’s perfect!”  Mind you, NONE of the other criteria fit – but he wasn’t an alcoholic…is THIS what it has come to, people?!  Breathing, penis and low blood alcohol content?!?!  THOSE ARE MY STANDARDS????!!!!!  Then again, in reflecting upon my dating history…it is possible that adding the ‘not raging alcoholic’ criteria has indeed upped my standards.

Worst Promotion EVER November 30, 2008

So I’m at a recent trip to Wal-Mart and some lovely 19 year old lady in a lab coat approached me.  This doctor and/or scientist offered me a free sample of shampoo and conditioner…which she obviously invented with her team of scientists/doctors…and I, OBVIOUSLY, was eager to partake….who doesn’t love a free sample??? 

19 year old hot lady doctor/scientist: Yes – it’s our new “mystery shampoo and conditioner”

me: ohhh…fancy

her: yes! It is endorsed by Stacy from “What Not To Wear”!  See how it is in the black box with the big question mark on it!???!!!! (yeah, she spoke with all of those question marks and exclamation points) Weeeeelllllll (it was a teaser) – you just come back to Wal-Mart next Saturday and we reveal the actual brand!

me: uhhh…huh?  You want me to take this home and use it then drive back to Wal-Mart, on a Saturday, so you can tell me what it is?

her: Yeah!  Isn’t it EXCITING?!!!??

me (internal dialogue only as to not offend her): geez, they rush these kids through medical school and into the world of science so fast that they have no common sense.  (external dialogue): yeah! most excellent!

Here’s the thing…no one likes to go to Wal-Mart.  We go because we have to…because it is cheap.  Because it is the only place on the planet where we can purchase a television, a light bulb, a box tampons, a fuse for our car, a 20 pack of chicken breasts, hand cream, a clock for the bathroom, a hibiscus, get a haircut and have our oil changed.  Finding a parking spot on a Saturday afternoon requires a prescription for xanax, 30 minutes of meditation and a firm belief in a higher power.  Navigating the actual inside schematics is something you can only do if you have mastered Frogger.  You have to have DCFS on speed-dial. 

The point is – NO ONE WOULD DO THIS FOR NO REASON.  Unless this shampoo makes my hair look like Julia Robert’s hair in “Pretty Woman” within this 7 day time frame, my ass is NOT coming back here for The Big Reveal.  And you can SURE as hell bet your lab-coat-wearing-19-year-old-tight-ass I’m not waiting in a Saturday Wal-Mart line for a bottle of damn shampoo!  Even in the self-checkout that is a time investment no person should make…let’s face it, you know your ass is going to get behind some 97 year old lady trying to figure out how to scan 12 bananas!  Why…why…WHY would this “mystery shampoo” company not just say “next Saturday you can click on our website and you’ll be able to see the surprise brand of our shampoo!” and then on that day they can update the link?!  I know, I’m a marketing genius….so on Saturday we can all get the surprise – OH MY GOD, that fantastic shampoo is actually Wal-Mart’s own brand: parkinfuckinsuxalot!!!

An attempt to explain Twitter November 28, 2008

My love for Twitter knows no bounds.  The thing is…I can’t really explain what Twitter IS…I’m having trouble explaining it to those that haven’t heard of it before “well, it’s kind of like a social networking site, but less slutty than myspace and less annoying than facebook…and it’s kind of like blogging…but less time-consuming and you don’t have so much to think about…and it is kind of like texting…but…other people text you…but not really YOU…more just…random texts to the World Wide Web in general and if you think they are funny then those texts go to you.  Get it?”  ummmm…no.  “Ok – just trust me – IT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE.  ummmkay?!”  I wish everyone had been on Twitter during the election – again, unexplainable…ok…a “fairly” liberal bias (!)…but aside from that…there was instant and constant information.  Regular people, with regular jobs, doing more for getting information out than any news source.  It was amazing.

The thing is, if i just send people my twitter page - they can’t really see what Twitter is all about because…well…I’m only so entertaining and, let’s face it, Twitter is all about finding the Genius that is other tweeters.  So – now when people ask, I just send them the link to Favrd.

Flaws and all November 27, 2008

This should probably go on the “I made you a Mixed Tape” page…but I love it too much.  So it’s going here.  Deal with it.

Beyonce – Flaws and All:

Flaws And All lyrics

I’m a train wreck in the morning
I’m a bitch in the afternoon
Every now and then without warning
I can be really mean towards you
I’m a puzzle yes in deed
Ever complex in every way
And all the pieces aren’t even in the box
And yet, you see the picture clear as day.

I don’t know why you love me
And that’s why I love you
You catch me when I fall
Accept me flaws and all
And that’s why I love you

I neglect you when I’m working
When I need attention I tend to nag
I’m a host of imperfection
And you see past all that
I’m a peasant by some standards
But in your eyes I’m a queen
You see potential in all my flaws
and that’s exactly what I need.

I don’t know why you love me
And that’s why I love you
You catch me when I fall
Accept me flaws and all
and that’s why I love you