Ok, let’s get a few things straight. First of all…I don’t actually *HAVE* Tivo. I have a DV-R…but I call it Tivo because that sounds way cooler. Second, I don’t live for TV or anything – I mean, I love to read and I love to go to the beach, I love canoeing and playing Skeeball…but…well, no…I love TV. The brilliance of “Big Fat Redneck Wedding” pales in comparison even to whatever palm trees, a light breeze and an 88 degree ocean can offer…
However, to avoid becoming a total recluse and muscle atrophy, some brilliant sexy brainiac invented Tivo. Yes, you, dear reader, are above that. You don’t need it. You don’t watch tv. You volunteer at the local shelter and spend your time catching up on current events and trying to find an alternate energy source. Well la-de-fucking-da. I watch “South Park” and I llllllooooovvvee it <insert me standing in my living room in a tank top and underwear with a beer in my hand doing a very unattractive dance while sticking out my tongue during that little ‘llllllooooovvvveee’ part right there>.
It is an escape. It takes me away from reality – and frankly, I hate reality…which, I’m sure will be a post at some point in the future. Reality and I have never been close. Not that I don’t like my life. I have a job. I have a house. I have a dog that I love. I have a CRAZY family that I wouldn’t trade for the world…one that most people want to be a part of. I have the best group of friends. I’ve dated some great men <insert a significant pause here where everyone who knows me chuckles at the NOT great men I’ve also dated>. I have a great life…but still…I don’t have the re-runs of the Huxtables! I don’t have Joel McHale of “The Soup”! I most certainly don’t have John Stewart (*sigh*).
Tivo can record TWO SHOWS AT ONCE. I can play it back whenever I want. If I am feeling a little blue, I can curl up on the couch and watch TV. ALL. DAY. LONG. Honest to God, if Tivo were human, I would make sweet, sweet love to it. I mean, if there was nothing good on TV of course.