So I’m at a recent trip to Wal-Mart and some lovely 19 year old lady in a lab coat approached me. This doctor and/or scientist offered me a free sample of shampoo and conditioner…which she obviously invented with her team of scientists/doctors…and I, OBVIOUSLY, was eager to partake….who doesn’t love a free sample???
19 year old hot lady doctor/scientist: Yes – it’s our new “mystery shampoo and conditioner”
her: yes! It is endorsed by Stacy from “What Not To Wear”! See how it is in the black box with the big question mark on it!???!!!! (yeah, she spoke with all of those question marks and exclamation points) Weeeeelllllll (it was a teaser) – you just come back to Wal-Mart next Saturday and we reveal the actual brand!
me: uhhh…huh? You want me to take this home and use it then drive back to Wal-Mart, on a Saturday, so you can tell me what it is?
her: Yeah! Isn’t it EXCITING?!!!??
me (internal dialogue only as to not offend her): geez, they rush these kids through medical school and into the world of science so fast that they have no common sense. (external dialogue): yeah! most excellent!
Here’s the thing…no one likes to go to Wal-Mart. We go because we have to…because it is cheap. Because it is the only place on the planet where we can purchase a television, a light bulb, a box tampons, a fuse for our car, a 20 pack of chicken breasts, hand cream, a clock for the bathroom, a hibiscus, get a haircut and have our oil changed. Finding a parking spot on a Saturday afternoon requires a prescription for xanax, 30 minutes of meditation and a firm belief in a higher power. Navigating the actual inside schematics is something you can only do if you have mastered Frogger. You have to have DCFS on speed-dial.
The point is – NO ONE WOULD DO THIS FOR NO REASON. Unless this shampoo makes my hair look like Julia Robert’s hair in “Pretty Woman” within this 7 day time frame, my ass is NOT coming back here for The Big Reveal. And you can SURE as hell bet your lab-coat-wearing-19-year-old-tight-ass I’m not waiting in a Saturday Wal-Mart line for a bottle of damn shampoo! Even in the self-checkout that is a time investment no person should make…let’s face it, you know your ass is going to get behind some 97 year old lady trying to figure out how to scan 12 bananas! Why…why…WHY would this “mystery shampoo” company not just say “next Saturday you can click on our website and you’ll be able to see the surprise brand of our shampoo!” and then on that day they can update the link?! I know, I’m a marketing genius….so on Saturday we can all get the surprise – OH MY GOD, that fantastic shampoo is actually Wal-Mart’s own brand: parkinfuckinsuxalot!!!