So I have a dog, that in and of itself, could take up 27 or 28 blog posts, but I don’t have that kind of time, just take my word for it – he’s insane but adorable. He used to have his own blog, but he’s a lazy piece of shit, so he stopped updating it. If you are that bored, you can still go on and read it here.
Anyway, this story pretty much sums up the mental shortcomings of my dog, Supe (like ‘cup of soup’ but different…again, a whole blog entry in itself).
Every day I come home from work…actually every TIME I come in the door…even if I’ve just gone to get the mail…Supe is very excited to see me. This is par for the course with any dog. Supe however, has separation anxiety – some of the worse anyone can imagine. Even the vet is shocked by my dogs desperate level of angst. If my dog were a person, he’d be constantly wringing his hands and have a kleenex stuffed up his sleeve and be walking around in circles saying “Oh my goodness, oh my goodness” — but I digress — The story is about what my insane dog does whenever I come in the door.
So, normal dog activity ensues, the jumping, the licking, the “holy shit, mom, i’m so glad you’re home, i was so freeking worried about you, i thought you’d never come back, i thought for sure that mailbox would SUCK YOU INTO IT” – but then the anxiety routine sets in…this is the fun part. The dog proceeds to run around the house until he finds his toy. Generally it’s “legs” (another blog post) – but currently Supe is in trouble and “legs” has been taken away, so it’s “yellow bone.” So there is running and “yellow bone” retrieval, then ceremonial I HAVE FOUND MY TOY running (2 laps), then he runs out the door, then in the door, then out the door, then in, then one final out….then he can pee – but of course, he can’t pee with his toy in his mouth, so he drops his toy and then takes two steps forward and PISSES ON HIS TOY…BECAUSE HE IS MENTALLY DEFUNCT.
Then he tries to run in the house because he hasn’t licked me in 2.7 minutes and I have to say “get ‘yellow bone’ you idiot” (I say this affectionately, I’m not mean) and he runs out and comes to an abrupt halt: EW. I JUST PEED NEAR HERE. So he circles the spot like something circling prey…then approaches said toy from behind then goes to grab it and as soon as his nose gets close he yanks his face back as if he is personally offended by the stench of rotten urine. Then he looks up at me as if to say “What the fuck happened here?” Whereupon I say “YOU PISSED ON IT…LIKE YOU DO EVERY DAY! ” He then goes to smell it again – again looks at me with a cocked-to-the-side look “this is curious, it smells like…MY PEE???” Then he bashes his paw at it to move it away from his puddle of liquid excrement and then is able to pick it up and bring it into the house where I can wash it for him. EVERY DAY WE DO THIS.
EVERY. FUCKING. DAY. stupid dog.