Month: December 2008

New Year’s Resolutions 2009

In which our heroine beings her battle with her arch-nemisis Will Power.

1. Figure out how to add contacts to Flickr

2. Figure out how to actually use Flickr

3. Actually take my camera out and take pictures

To be continued….(I will reach 100 by 12/31/08.  I will keep exactly none of them-as is my tradition.  Fuck W. Power and his evil ways.)

4. Figure out how to add Google Adsense to my blog so I can become a billionaire through blogging

5. Get a realistic grasp of both my blog stats and the revenue generation of Google Adsense

6. Watch all the episodes of Dexter

7. Clear out my favorites of all the old dead links and actually put stuff in folders

8.  Download all my 8-Tracks onto MP3…oh, I mean CD’s…but, same thing

9.  Figure out why the hell I’m getting “Rolling Stone” magazine, be sure I’m not getting billed for it and cancel it – thus doing my part to GO GREEN

10. Somehow, someway find a way to get my friends to stop sending me any type of chain/good luck/possible death and destruction if you do not forward e-mails

11. Paint my stupid, mother f-ing sunroom (which has been 1/2 painted for about 6 months now)

12. Get hardwood floors – PLEASE let me do this one!

*ok, 12 down, 88 to go

13.  Good call, Denny – Adding “woo the Moe’s guy”

14. Also, get myself knocked up

15. Become crafty at…something…and make millions off etsy.com…to supplement the blog income

16. Stop with the damn typos already!!!!!  (current event resolution that I will have no idea why I posted it later, but will still apply because I’m a damn idiot)

17. Resolve to do SOMETHING with the “oh this is interesting/handy/a website I’d like to visit” notes and/or magazine pages I have strewn about my house

18. Figure out how this f-ing linksys wireless thing that I bought two weeks ago works so I’m not still using the ethernet in 2010…but…since I have internet access and am lazy, I’ll just cut/paste this onto next year’s resolution list right now

19. Actually send birthday and Christmas cards…and send them ON TIME (pffffftttt…*snort*…no I won’t!)

20. Stop taking my shoes off in the doorway and leaving them there like a 5 year old and actually put them in my closet where they belong

21.  Go back to reading books and stop watching so much tv – yes, Amy, you can wean yourself from the DV-R

22.  Get the dog out more…which probably means spending the $500 to get him “dog whisperered” so he can be in a park near other dogs without going all crazy-Cujo on their asses…but…whatever – prolly worth it in the long run

23.  Even better – just get my yard fenced so I can play with the dog in the yard

24.  Maybe not buy so many shoes?????

25.  Find out why Tom Cruise did not talk with a German accent in this Valkyrie movie…was that guy American?  Is Scientology against fake accents?  Has TC’s ego finally gone THAT out of control that he feels he doesn’t need to go into character to sell the part????  It’s killing me!

OK – Quarter of the way there!  2009 – here I come – well on my way to become a better person. .. Ok, maybe knowing the answer to 25 isn’t going to make me a better person, but it will free up my brain from obsessing about it and I can spend that time doing good for the world – OH-

26.  Do good for the world.

sweet.

12/27/08 -well, let’s face reality, I’m not going to make it to 100 on this list…but we can mark that up to a failure of 2008 rather than a failure of 2009..right?

27.  Set lower goals.

28. Make less lists.

29.  Eat better (ha!  one less Twinkie every day and I’ll have accomplished this one!)

30.  Exercise more (I figure if I exercise even one day in 2009, this will knock this one out of the park)

31.  Take out kayak more

32. Be more responsible about sunscreen

33.  Take dog to beach more

34. Get dog ‘dog whisperered’ so he can possibly go to a dog park and become not so socially dysfunctional

35.  Surround myself with nicer people and less people I have to walk on eggshells around

36.  Do not be the person people have to walk on eggshells around

37.  Probably spend more time with my real friends than my imaginary ones from Twitter

38.  Maybe see a therapist about above…

39.  Did I put ween myself off Tivo on here already…if not…I need to

40.  Preferably do above so I can buy a Wii and spend all my extra time playing Rock Band!!!!!

41.  Get a life.

12/30/08 – seriously running out of time to hit 100 of thse

42.  figure out how to actually manuver this blog – especially now that I have a “real blog”…

43.  Stop liking guys who don’t want babies, who enjoy liquor more than sex and hangovers more than Saturday’s of functional activity

44.  Change blog name so family can’t read info like above

45. Probably get over the rejection of the last guy who was #43 *humph*

46.  Maybe buy less shoes

47.  maybe lie less about buying less shoes

48.  develop a cool hobby…you know, like macrame or something

49.  did I mention actually figuring out how a blog works? (PS – already ahead on this one, bought the domain name!  No idea what the hell to do next.  Lazy twitter:  what do I do next?  Oh…shit…wrong site.  I’m doing it wrong)

50.  Stop making big goals.  (I’ll start this one early and just end this stupid list now)

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For Christmas…you’d expect less porn

Tis the season of Christmas parties. Which is joyous…for those who enjoy that sort of thing.  I WANT to enjoy them…it’s just that…well…if you know me, you know my personality is more “splash of spontaneous fun with a heavy hand of sarcastic bitterness”…so decking the halls and jolliness tend to give me a rash…BUT I love my friends.  So, I spend Christmas parties with them and they laugh at my pain of being forced to participate in structured fun.

One of my most cheery and lovely friends, Lori, has an annual Christmas party that couldn’t be less Amy Mac.  The invitation is sent out in a cutesy rhyme.  There is a Chinese Gift Exchange.  There are planned games…don’t get me wrong, I LOVE games…but I love “hey, let’s do game night” with beer and Catchphrase…not “OK LADIES!!!  WHOOO!! EVERYONE PUT ON THEIR SANTA HATS!!!!  WHOOO!  READY FOR FUN!!!  WHOOO” Ouch…but I love that my friends love it and I can’t help buy laugh at Lori’s sheer joy of hosting the event. 

This year there were 8 different games (FUCKING EIGHT DIFFERENT GAMES).  And we started at 8:07, so we were 7 minutes late to start, as you can imagine, this was very upsetting.  Since these were restaurant people, most of the girls (all chicks) were 25 or under.  This made the first game rather tricky…Lori, the hostess, is…ahem…NOT under 25…and the game was “guess who I am” where we were separated into teams and one person had a Santa hat on with a name on it and we had to give clues as to the identity…the problem presented itself when the names she chose were BETSY ROSS, CHER…not exactly the same demographic! 

The game I really want to address is the “make yourself a snowman” game.  The first things that were brought out for this game were latex gloves and Vaseline.  I think you can see the downward spiral of this already.  Two large mixing bowls were filled with cotton balls and the instructions were to smear the Vaseline all over your face, stick it in the bowl of cotton balls and whomever of the team of four got the most cotton balls was declared the winner.  None of the 30+ crowd was about to smear Vaseline on our faces…after you hit our age, the idea of suffering a pre-teen breakout for bragging rights at a Holiday Party loses its appeal.  This did not go over so well…so, to fight the “party pooper” image….it was proposed that a member of our team (who shall remain nameless) would rather “smear that on my ass and stick that in a bowl than put it on my face”.  Another member of the team said “and I’d do my boobs first”.  Well…let’s just say I’m sure there are pictures somewhere on the internet and I’d rather not know where. 

Another game involved phallic plungers and rolls of toilet paper – but honestly, I’m trying to wipe all the fun right out of my mind.  It’s too much to think about and my insurance doesn’t cover PTSD. 

 

I’d like to make a special note to make sure Lori knows how much I love her and appreciate her effort – her house is decorated (I mean…FUCKING DECORATED) and she gives special gifts to everyone with attached notes…She cooks so much food….Martha Stewart would be embarrassed by her inadequacy if she knew Lori.  I love her and I love the party…even though the whole experience makes me itch like I’m wearing pajamas made of ants.

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Crockpot Cooking and Other Baggage…

So, I can’t cook in a crockpot.  I mean…I CAN.  I have made a few good dishes. Well, one – but it was delicious.  The problem is, I have some kind of insane paranoia of spontaneous crockpot combustion.  Most people put a delightful and delicious mix of edibles in the crockpot, head to work for the day and when they come home – bing/bang/boom – DINNER!  I, on the other hand, cannot conceive of this.  The whole idea makes me ill.  I think it is because I saw a building get hit by lightening and catch on fire when I was young…but…regardless…I can’t leave something COOKING all day long!  That’s crazy!  You may as well just turn on a burner and put a dishtowel on top of it!  My one fabulous crockpot dinner I cooked overnight when I slept…because apparently if my house catches on fire it would be better if *I WERE IN IT*.  The problem with this is that my nose, first thing in the morning, is that of a pregnant bloodhound.  The amount of gagging that ensued upon my awakening was God-awful.  I can smell the perfume of the neighbor, so needless to say, the scent of salsa, chicken, beans and corn was…overpowering.  I’m trying to conquer my fear, but these things take time.

Other things I cannot do: sleep with socks on, crawl under a bed or desk, leave my house without checking to be sure the front door is locked…by turning the handle three times and order anything off a restaurant menu without modifying it in some way shape or form.

I’m not on any drugs…but I should be.

Oh…and I overuse both hyphens and periods…or would they be ellipses?  I don’t know…

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Establishing Dating Standards

So – awhile ago, my Bestie, Natalie (some of you know her as @fourformom), posted on her blog a “Dating Game” where potential beaus for me could fill out a questionnaire and then from the MASS of men who responded, we would pick Mr. Perfect (or…Mr. will due for baby-making and maybe old-age rocking chair sitting).  Here’s the link if you’d like to look at it: http://www.fourformom.com/2008/10/dating-game.html

Without getting into TOO much detail, let’s just say I’m still single.  That is not actually the point of this post.  The point of this post is the sheer state of desperation in which my friends are in to find me a mate.  For example – question 2 was “are you a raging alcoholic” – my friend, Jen, gleefully exclaimed upon reading one response “Oh!  Oh! OH!  he’s not an alcoholic!!!  He’s perfect!”  Mind you, NONE of the other criteria fit – but he wasn’t an alcoholic…is THIS what it has come to, people?!  Breathing, penis and low blood alcohol content?!?!  THOSE ARE MY STANDARDS????!!!!!  Then again, in reflecting upon my dating history…it is possible that adding the ‘not raging alcoholic’ criteria has indeed upped my standards.

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