Month: February 2009

Secret Confession

Here it is…I have a pair of Crocs – well, technically, I have a pair of Holeys – but whatever, potato, patahto.

Anyone who knows me, knows that these types of shoes are a personal affront to my every shoe-fiber.  They are nothing like the shoe I love.  See some options here: (Oh – I’m a 7.5)  I love a stiletto.  I love a 4 INCH stiletto.  I love a patent, peep-toe, 4 INCH stiletto…but…the thing is…I love those stupid ugly-ass shoes.  I keep them by the door for when I walk the dog or clean the garage or wash the car (the pavement’s hot! You can’t do it barefoot!).  I wish they were more visually pleasing.  I wish my pretty shoes felt like my Holeys.  I wish I could have a pair in every color and actually get away with wearing them in public without getting stopped by the Fashion Police. 

When I wear those shoes it’s like my toes go scampering up my body right up to my face and just kiss me right on the lips.

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Money well spent

So, I invested in e-harmony.  You know, where you spend $60 for a month of throwing yourself into an internet dating pool to see if you can find true love with a total stranger.  What could go wrong??

GOOD GOD.  The problem is they don’t have an option for “don’t fix me up with a douchebag”.  It started with the picture of the guy laid on his bed with his best craigslist face on.  Ummm…no.  Then there was the “Who is your hero” – “my sister cuz win I wuz in school a girl broke up with me and I wuz upset and she really made me feel better”.  Wow. Just…wow.  When I clicked the “No” box (as there wasn’t a ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME option), it gave a list of reasons to select why…so eharmony could better narrow my search.  Oddly enough “because he should be fucking literate” wasn’t one of the options.

Then there  was the guy who listed one of his favorite activities as “tanning”.   I don’t think I need to comment any further on that.

You get one page of information – with about 5 questions – that they get to answer…my last match – using e-harmony’s 29 qualifiers mentioned Corvette’s in 3 of his 5 questions…and his picture was him leaning against…well…you know….the question is…WHAT THE FUCK BOX DID I CHECK?!?

PS – one  potential – of the 5 things he can’t live without – one of them “Captain Crunch”.  Well played, funny guy, Well played.  You’re the only one I’ve saved so far.

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Look out for the Postal Workers

The thing is…I’m afraid it might be my fault the entire USPS industry is crashing. 

(oh…yeah…obvious comment about how long it’s been since I’ve updated my blog – whatever – screw you)

Here’s the deal…There is a famous quote, quite possibly from Anais Nin, that says “you will never know a woman until you have had a letter from her”…and I firmly believed that for my whole life.  I was a woman who wrote.  I sent cards.  Lots of cards.  Cards for no reason.  “Hey! How are you! This is a funny card!” cards.  I have since stopped sending cards.  I’ve stopped sending letters.  I (along with everyone else in the world) have stopped sending bills.  I mean…I still PAY them…I just do it on-line, you know, like you do.  Which was fine, because I was single-handedly sustaining the postal service with my cards and letters.  But then the tide shifted…I went through a heart-break and the card aisle got depressing…then I recovered, but I went through an economic crisis and I couldn’t AFFORD cards…and now…well, now my job sucks out my soul…I mean, my TIME, my TIME…and I just don’t have the time to even SEND cards.

So, though I have no less than 15 cards sitting on my coffee table to send…they are not filled out (ummm…happy birthday, sean-November…Thank You for my Christmas gifts!…happy birthday, Lara-January…this card was funny – totally thought of you/diana/natalie/lara/judy/mom).  The cards are sitting here and they were just nagging at me…then I heard that thousands of postal employees had gotten laid off and I realized – HOLY HELL – THIS IS MY FAULT!

I can only apologize for being lazy and insensitive (oh…also to all the people who I still haven’t sent birthday/Christmas/Thank you cards to).  The economic collapse is quite a burden to bear…I mean, shit, I still feel bad for slamming my brother’s head into the sliding glass door and that was when I was 12.  I’m not sure how I’m going to get over THIS.

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